This was my response to a posting from a mother and wife just like me... the following was my words of marriage...
I just found this posting today and hope I can be of some help. Everyone has already stated what I would have said but just had to say something since your very first post is identical to me and the husband except for throwing the "divorce" word around. Seriously, that is very unhealthy, immature, and unnecessary. Every time that throwing around takes place, it just lessens the strength and integrity of whatever marriage you do have. Even if everything was perfect now, just recollections of the word being said is harmful to your mind, emotions, and family's future. It really needs to stop.
I would be the very last person to say go get a divorce. I'm not saying that you be a doormat, stay in a negative relationship, or just suffer. What I am saying is that there are resources outside of you two, such as Marriage Counseling and courses for you and you together that should be the FIRST - NOT LAST RESORT.
This isn't directly to you but all of us, as a society and in general......
I don't mean to sound harsh but time and time again, the relationships that I see breaking down are the ones that had little or no preparation in building and little or no maintenance. Marriage didn't come with a book but we also don't seek out a plan or strategy like everything else important in life. To have no goal or direction leads you nowhere except some place you didn't intend or want to be.
Then all of a sudden, when things start breaking down... the symptoms are ignored until things get so bad we finally say ok let's get some help as a LAST resort... by this time, the help that is finally sought is not as effective as if it would been if sought earlier or in a more positive environment... and most times by this point, all is running on desperation and despair.... everything is simply running on one wheel while hanging on a thread and sadly, the child is the innocent one along for the ride who silently gets affected the most in all the drama.
this is why i tell everyone, take preventative measures... anything...... classes before you're married and when things are good. If you can't get them to take courses during the good times, you definitely won't be able to take them when things go bad. Like in most things, prevention is key and that is why I do the things I do everyday;in order to strengthen marriages while things are good because that is the best time to do it. Gather with some positive married couples that he can model after. Be around the right environment as this is how we learn best. We can't control people, we can only control our environments.
so anyway... what to do..... I work with a Family and Marriage Counseling department and also puts together events for couples... meets, discussions, happy hours etc. I think it is as good as counseling because they can see what the norms are as opposed to a spouse thinking what they think is right and being bitter over the other making him or her go to counseling. If you anyone wants more info, just let me know.
"Married women chose to get into the marriage - regardless if the guy was good or a bad one. We must also choose to make it work or die doing it" is my mantra.
Like I said, your initial post is identical to mine except for the D word. I made some changes to the environment (do as Tifanny does - only laundry what's in the basket) and I took responsibility for what I can and cannot do. Regardless what my hubby thought... of me not doing enough... I had full comfort in the fact that I am doing all I can. He did finally stop with the unrealistic expectations after we were going through one of many what i call preventative divorce prevention course together.
Hubby understood my life firsthand when he had the baby all day for once. I came home to the house beyond messy to what he ever cam home to and both of them passed out. He said, he couldn't do anything because he had to watch her literally! His eyeballs never left her. Since that day, he said he does not want me to work as everything at home would just be so messed up if i did. I would be lying if I said I don't look for work because I do because we need the money so bad but always resort to remaining a sahm and helping other couples with their marriages through our organization - all for free by the way - as that is more important.... beyond what money cannot buy and never afford to give. My relationship, I would consider perfect but we both know we need to work on things daily in order for it to stay that way and we do. It is a relationship not a status. To treat it otherwise leads to nothing but wrong.
Let me know if you need anything else. On the side to what I do, I like to listen to Dr. Laura on 600AM - a relationship radio version of Dear Abby... she's sometimes crazy but a lot things can be learned from her and the women that call her. That is from 1 - 4 pm Mon - Fri. And for cleaning around the house, Flylady.com helps me out lots! It just helps me on a daily basis a little step at a time. If we sincerely want to make things work, even if it seems it is just us, do something, anything except give up home and resort to LAST resort.
I apologize so long but I hope it can help at least a tiny bit.
I just found this posting today and hope I can be of some help. Everyone has already stated what I would have said but just had to say something since your very first post is identical to me and the husband except for throwing the "divorce" word around. Seriously, that is very unhealthy, immature, and unnecessary. Every time that throwing around takes place, it just lessens the strength and integrity of whatever marriage you do have. Even if everything was perfect now, just recollections of the word being said is harmful to your mind, emotions, and family's future. It really needs to stop.
I would be the very last person to say go get a divorce. I'm not saying that you be a doormat, stay in a negative relationship, or just suffer. What I am saying is that there are resources outside of you two, such as Marriage Counseling and courses for you and you together that should be the FIRST - NOT LAST RESORT.
This isn't directly to you but all of us, as a society and in general......
I don't mean to sound harsh but time and time again, the relationships that I see breaking down are the ones that had little or no preparation in building and little or no maintenance. Marriage didn't come with a book but we also don't seek out a plan or strategy like everything else important in life. To have no goal or direction leads you nowhere except some place you didn't intend or want to be.
Then all of a sudden, when things start breaking down... the symptoms are ignored until things get so bad we finally say ok let's get some help as a LAST resort... by this time, the help that is finally sought is not as effective as if it would been if sought earlier or in a more positive environment... and most times by this point, all is running on desperation and despair.... everything is simply running on one wheel while hanging on a thread and sadly, the child is the innocent one along for the ride who silently gets affected the most in all the drama.
this is why i tell everyone, take preventative measures... anything...... classes before you're married and when things are good. If you can't get them to take courses during the good times, you definitely won't be able to take them when things go bad. Like in most things, prevention is key and that is why I do the things I do everyday;in order to strengthen marriages while things are good because that is the best time to do it. Gather with some positive married couples that he can model after. Be around the right environment as this is how we learn best. We can't control people, we can only control our environments.
so anyway... what to do..... I work with a Family and Marriage Counseling department and also puts together events for couples... meets, discussions, happy hours etc. I think it is as good as counseling because they can see what the norms are as opposed to a spouse thinking what they think is right and being bitter over the other making him or her go to counseling. If you anyone wants more info, just let me know.
"Married women chose to get into the marriage - regardless if the guy was good or a bad one. We must also choose to make it work or die doing it" is my mantra.
Like I said, your initial post is identical to mine except for the D word. I made some changes to the environment (do as Tifanny does - only laundry what's in the basket) and I took responsibility for what I can and cannot do. Regardless what my hubby thought... of me not doing enough... I had full comfort in the fact that I am doing all I can. He did finally stop with the unrealistic expectations after we were going through one of many what i call preventative divorce prevention course together.
Hubby understood my life firsthand when he had the baby all day for once. I came home to the house beyond messy to what he ever cam home to and both of them passed out. He said, he couldn't do anything because he had to watch her literally! His eyeballs never left her. Since that day, he said he does not want me to work as everything at home would just be so messed up if i did. I would be lying if I said I don't look for work because I do because we need the money so bad but always resort to remaining a sahm and helping other couples with their marriages through our organization - all for free by the way - as that is more important.... beyond what money cannot buy and never afford to give. My relationship, I would consider perfect but we both know we need to work on things daily in order for it to stay that way and we do. It is a relationship not a status. To treat it otherwise leads to nothing but wrong.
Let me know if you need anything else. On the side to what I do, I like to listen to Dr. Laura on 600AM - a relationship radio version of Dear Abby... she's sometimes crazy but a lot things can be learned from her and the women that call her. That is from 1 - 4 pm Mon - Fri. And for cleaning around the house, Flylady.com helps me out lots! It just helps me on a daily basis a little step at a time. If we sincerely want to make things work, even if it seems it is just us, do something, anything except give up home and resort to LAST resort.
I apologize so long but I hope it can help at least a tiny bit.
Marriage Counseling Advice part II
She replied asking for more information and the following was my response:
"I would give recs here but keep in mind that they are merely that. Don't feel like you have to do anything because I said something or not.... as my intention is to just provide resources to anyone and everyone for the taking.
I work with the Marriage and Family Ministry of The Rock. It is a non-denominational organization. There is church there on Sundays but this place is beyond that. The County of San Diego relies on the organization to help them fill their need for mentors, parenting courses, life skill courses, and anything and everything such as opportunities provided for the underserved communities... sending them to things such as camps, special events, and outreaches for the youth and families all over San Diego.
All the marriage and family and all services offered here are free to everyone as funds are donated by people who consider the Rock their home and see this as a way of returning what they have been blessed with. Just be aware that it is Christian and biblical based but in no way is it used to covert anyone or push a religion. There are no odd rituals... just real people with real solutions. Everything done here is done like any other professional venue... staff are highly trained in their fields... with degrees, credentials, etc. There is no foo-foo here or anything one might stereotype of a Christian facility. The only main difference is that success rate and support is so much higher than another because people here truly pour out all they have to help anyone... and the only desire to see families thrive.
Our Young Married Couples group is a group of real fun casual people and meeting up at Chevy's Mission Valley tomorrow at 530 if you'd like to join us. We're all bringing our kids too so feel free to come. It's just a social to be with like people who want strong relationships. We aren't perfect and sure we all have our issues but the goal is to stay together and help each other in the process. Right now we have at least 7 couples committed to it and 3 couples as Maybes.
If you I think you should like to start working with the hubby on a non-social venue.... i suggest starting with courses... less of a threat to the hubby than sitting with a counselor.... these are classes in a classroom setting. Some classes have 70 people whos signed up in them... some will have 20...just depends. They are offered rotating year round. Here is one course I recommend for now. There are others but they don't post them all up at one time because there are so many! Here is the next series the department will have: http://www.therocksandiego.org/ministries/marriageandfamily/lsr
If you need 911 help now, here is the link to one on one marriage counseling resources. http://www.therocksandiego.org/ministries/marriageandfamily/marriagecounseling/
Lastly, from everything you've told us, I think you and the family is perfectly normal and will do just fine. Just keep in mind to keep the expectations low aka realistic and attainable so anything above that is icing on the cake. Nothing will always be perfect all the time... we just need the willing and drive to try. You're hubby will learn soon enough one way or another ...just as mine had. We both went to school for Human Development/Leadership Studies/Behavior Science so you'd think he would know me and know how to act.... and it still look him some time to pick up the proper way of going about this marriage. Yes I was partial to blame but come on! I chose instead to be NOT a nag and the loving and supportive wife... and now he's rally made a great turn around. It is so worth it. I'm saying all this not to brag but to let you know that there is hope and that it can only get better for you.
Best wishes,
Jen
And yes I am ready to try the FlyLady.net when my internship is over. My schedule is too insane right now =/"
"I would give recs here but keep in mind that they are merely that. Don't feel like you have to do anything because I said something or not.... as my intention is to just provide resources to anyone and everyone for the taking.
I work with the Marriage and Family Ministry of The Rock. It is a non-denominational organization. There is church there on Sundays but this place is beyond that. The County of San Diego relies on the organization to help them fill their need for mentors, parenting courses, life skill courses, and anything and everything such as opportunities provided for the underserved communities... sending them to things such as camps, special events, and outreaches for the youth and families all over San Diego.
All the marriage and family and all services offered here are free to everyone as funds are donated by people who consider the Rock their home and see this as a way of returning what they have been blessed with. Just be aware that it is Christian and biblical based but in no way is it used to covert anyone or push a religion. There are no odd rituals... just real people with real solutions. Everything done here is done like any other professional venue... staff are highly trained in their fields... with degrees, credentials, etc. There is no foo-foo here or anything one might stereotype of a Christian facility. The only main difference is that success rate and support is so much higher than another because people here truly pour out all they have to help anyone... and the only desire to see families thrive.
Our Young Married Couples group is a group of real fun casual people and meeting up at Chevy's Mission Valley tomorrow at 530 if you'd like to join us. We're all bringing our kids too so feel free to come. It's just a social to be with like people who want strong relationships. We aren't perfect and sure we all have our issues but the goal is to stay together and help each other in the process. Right now we have at least 7 couples committed to it and 3 couples as Maybes.
If you I think you should like to start working with the hubby on a non-social venue.... i suggest starting with courses... less of a threat to the hubby than sitting with a counselor.... these are classes in a classroom setting. Some classes have 70 people whos signed up in them... some will have 20...just depends. They are offered rotating year round. Here is one course I recommend for now. There are others but they don't post them all up at one time because there are so many! Here is the next series the department will have: http://www.therocksandiego.org/ministries/marriageandfamily/lsr
If you need 911 help now, here is the link to one on one marriage counseling resources. http://www.therocksandiego.org/ministries/marriageandfamily/marriagecounseling/
Lastly, from everything you've told us, I think you and the family is perfectly normal and will do just fine. Just keep in mind to keep the expectations low aka realistic and attainable so anything above that is icing on the cake. Nothing will always be perfect all the time... we just need the willing and drive to try. You're hubby will learn soon enough one way or another ...just as mine had. We both went to school for Human Development/Leadership Studies/Behavior Science so you'd think he would know me and know how to act.... and it still look him some time to pick up the proper way of going about this marriage. Yes I was partial to blame but come on! I chose instead to be NOT a nag and the loving and supportive wife... and now he's rally made a great turn around. It is so worth it. I'm saying all this not to brag but to let you know that there is hope and that it can only get better for you.
Best wishes,
Jen
And yes I am ready to try the FlyLady.net when my internship is over. My schedule is too insane right now =/"
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